The Doctrine of Marriage part 2 - Husbands — Contend for the Faith

By Michael Pearl

Scripture: Topics: Contend for the Faith

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Contend for the Faith:

The Doctrine of Marriage part 2 - Husbands

Welcome to The Door. I'm Nathan Pearl, and tonight we're going to be doing our third in the series on Contend for Your Faith. Tonight we're going to cover the doctrine of marriage part two. This is the Office of Husband.


Now, this is the third part of the series. I have done one on following Jesus on the faith and what is the faith I've done one on wives submitting to your husband's. If you haven't watched those two, if you haven't seen that, I encourage you to go back and do so because this one is a little bit out there if you don't have the context for what we're doing. Briefly, what we're doing is we're contending for the faith. The faith gives us rules from God that we are to abide by, we are to teach, to expound and to live by. And if we don't, then we are not living according to the word of God. We are not following Jesus in our lives.

The Doctrine of Marriage

So I am teaching the doctrine of marriage without having application involved in it. Now, I've taught application before in marriage and I enjoy application, but I'm not doing that tonight. I'm teaching just the doctrine of marriage from the Office of Husband. Now the difference is that this doctrine I can teach here in Lobelville, and it is applicable to any married man. I could also take this same doctrine and teach it in the mountains of New Guinean where there's a guy that has four wives that just got saved, and this doctrine is just as applicable to him as it is to us. It can be taught in 10 BC, and it can be taught in 2018 AD, because God's word, God's truth doesn't change.

The doctrine of marriage. The Bible says, "Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as is fit in the Lord."  Colossians 3:18

The doctrine of marriage is two-sided we've already covered for the wives, and there is a way that these two sides of the doctrine fits together in the Lord. And the Colossians goes on to say, "Husbands love your wives and be not bitter against them." Colossians 3:19

The Offices of Marriage

The uncomfortable truth is that the scripture is not politically correct. The written word of God not only recognizes the differences between genders, it mandates God ordained roles based on those created differences. Men, you are either born a man or you're not born a man. You're born a woman or you're not born a woman. And God recognizes the difference and will mandate roles in marriage based solely on those differences. Going even further, the Bible postulates that to violate his mandates, that we have to stand against God and pervert the scripture and become ungodly. You see, if we decide to step outside of the role that God has given us, we have to violate the word of God.

Is Jesus the Lord of your life?

Is Jesus the Lord of your life? Now, this seems like a simple question, but it's actually pretty loaded. It's something you need us pause and you need to think about, do you want Jesus to be the Lord of your life? Because if the answer is yes, you have to accept the truth that the value system that you espouse is not your own value system. It doesn't originate with you. Furthermore, you are not the final arbiter of what is truth, but you are a recipient of God's truth. You understand the difference. The difference means that I don't get to decide what's right and wrong. I don't get to decide how I treat my wife, and she doesn't get to decide how she responds and reacts to me. The truth that we live by is a truth that God gave to us that we receive and we are obedient to because he is the Lord, the supreme potentate, the king, the decider of my life.

When I sit down at the TV and pick up the remote control, Jesus is the Lord. He is the Lord to decide where I'm going to watch and what I can't watch. When I talk to my wife, Jesus is my Lord and he's given me a mandate on how I'm to speak to my wife. When I drive, when I walk, what I do is decided by the Lord of my life.

What is the Goal of a Godly Family?

Now, the Offices of Marriage, the most misunderstood thing about the Bible and its relationship to marriage is that people want to take it and apply it to their Christian psychology to have a better marriage. That is not the way the Bible handles marriage whatsoever. The primary goal of a godly family is not that you live in peace or that you're happy. It is not that you're satisfied, that you're fulfilled, or that all your needs are met. The goal of a godly family is that you honor God with your life.

Marriage and his prospective offices were never an afterthought for God, but rather were created with the blessed union of marriage in mind. 

Did Marriage roles Change after the Fall?

Now, people sometimes feel like the roles of marriage changed when Adam sinned. They did not. God establishes the roles in marriage in Genesis 2:16-18, He says, "And the Lord God commanded the man saying, Of every tree of the garden, thou mayest freely eat."  Right off the beginning, god gives the husband, the man, he's not a husband at this point, he gives that man a commandment. He says, go and eat but don't eat of this one tree. "But at the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shall not eat of it: for in the day that thou eat thereof, thou shall surely die."  Verse 18, "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make an help meet for him." God created Eve to assist or to help Adam in the jobs that God had designed for Adam. Eve was always Adam's helper. That was her ordained office.

Husband, don't get me wrong, it's not that you've done something to deserve the position that God has appointed you to. God created this position and placed you in it, and he's the one that sets the boundaries and the rules for the office that you hold.

The Office of Wife

  • God asked the wife to willingly submit her life to God in these areas in order to fulfill the office he has designated for her.

God asked the wife to willingly submit her life to God. See, the scripture says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husband's in the Lord." You're to obey him because you're obeying God. So God is the one asking for the wife's submission, and he wants her to submit to her husband in these areas in order to fulfill the office that God has designated for the wife.

Now, here's the ways that God has asked the wife to submit to the husband.

  • Submit herself and obey her husband in everything just as she would obey the LORD.
  • To not speak or take authority in Church.
  • To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, to love their husbands and children.

God says that the wife should submit and obey her husband in everything just as she would obey the Lord.

So, I've had ladies ask me, "Well, in what areas do I have to obey my husband, or in what place would his authority take precedent over my own?" If he says it, assume that it's a command coming from God, that God has told you to do it. It's not my doctrine. I didn't write it. I'm a recipient of God's truth. If you don't like it, argue with him.

God has asked the women not to speak or take any authority in the church. God has asked the women to be discreet, chased, keepers at home, good to love their husbands and their children. That's what the office of wife entails, that she comes under God's authority and under the husband's authority in these instances.

Understanding the Balance

Now, we need to understand the balance of that, because God doesn't remove responsibilities that he takes away from the wife. So God says to the wife, "Wife, you are not to speak in church or to usurp authority." That doesn't mean we all sit silently in church. That means that the authority to speak has been taken from the wife and now placed on the husband. So the husband's carrying a double role of the responsibility that he had before. Now, he's responsible not just for himself, but for his wife. For every restriction placed on the wife, she is also freed from the responsibility are the duty to perform that task.

The responsibility that is lifted from the wife's shoulder is therefore unconditionally transferred to the husband. The husband is then accountable to God to provide for, to lead his home with love and to lead his church into truth because he is the ordained position to take care of that.

The Judge and the Bailiff

Now, imagine that we were in a court, a court of law, and there's a judge that is not that great of a judge, honestly. He's not a moron. He's just kind of lazy. And he's back there in his office, and the bailiff is a fantastic bailiff. He's an excellent bailiff. He comes out and he gets everybody right where they're supposed to be right when they're supposed to be there, and he takes care of all the stuff, gets everything set up for this judge. And the bailiff comes in the office and he says, "Your honor, we're going on and in two minutes everything's ready." And the judge is back there as robes laying over the counter and he is like, "Just a minute. I'm almost at the end of my level," and he's playing the Xbox. And the bailiff is like, "Your honor, your honor, you're playing the Xbox." "I know and I'm really good at it." "No, no, no, you don't understand. You have a responsibility to be up front. There's a whole lot of people out here waiting for you. You need to be up there." "Yeah, just a minute, just a minute. I'm doing this. I'm doing this." And he's like... So the bailiff goes back out and he tells everybody," I'm sorry, his honor's indisposed at the moment. I'll be right back."

He goes back in, "Sir, we're five minutes late. Man, you got to come out.' The judge is like, "You do it." So the bailiff's like, "Well, okay." So he picks up the rope and he walks out there and he gets behind the podium and he addresses everybody and he says, "Guys, let's get started." So they sit down and he starts to hear a case. And the judge is like, "Man, you're a great judge. You're fantastic. I'll tell you what? Let's trade. I'll be the bailiff. I'll go out and I'll sit everybody down, and you'll be the judge because honestly, you're a lot better at it than I am. I mean, you're wise, you're capable, you're good at it, you're probably better looking than I am, and I'll be freed up to play the Xbox more often."

Do you see the problem? You see, the office that the judge holds was not appointed by the judge. It's not the judge's office. He was sent there to fill the office. That is part of the law of our land. He's only filling it. It doesn't belong to him. And the bailiff was hired to do a job by somebody other than the judge. The judge is not his Potentate, He's not the in charge of this office. The law is, our nation is. So the judge does not have the right to trade with the bailiff, and the bailiff doesn't with the judge, and any rulings that the bailiff makes are null and void because the law does not stand behind the bailiff. Do you understand that? The bailiff can knock that gavel all he wants, and all he's doing is bruising the wood. He's not calling the court to order. He's not handing down a sentence because he doesn't have that right.

Can the Husband exchange offices with the Wife?

Husbands, you do not have the right to change offices with your wife. If your wife is better at leading your home than you are, it is not your right to turn the gavel over to your wife and let her carry that responsibility.

You see what that lousy judge did, was he loaded that bailiff up with responsibility that he was never intended to have. Now, that bailiff has to decide on rules that he doesn't know anything about. The law doesn't inform him the way it did the judge because the judge was prepared by the law to hold that office.

Now, if you believe in God and you believe that God loves you, and you believe that God is your savior and that he died for you, that he wrote a book that told you what to do, that he gave you that book in love, that he protected it and cared for it and handed it down, and then you ignore it, it is on your head.

Wife, if you allow your husband to push you into the role of leadership in your home or in your church, then God is not going to stand behind your authority. You're taking authority that was never yours.

Husband, if you allow your wife to push you and belittle you and make you step back and give her the authority, you are trying to not just give her the authority but the responsibility that goes with it. Husband, God did not design your wife to handle that responsibility. God designed you. He made you. When he formed you in the dirt and he blew in your nostrils, his intent was that you would lead your home in godliness and love. His intent was never that you would give your wife the reins and step back and let her lead the home. It's doctrine. It's not application.

Individual, Collective, and Corporate Duty

Now, I want to talk about the difference between individual, collective and corporate duty. This idea isn't so much doctrine as it is a framework or an index of the duties laid out for us in scripture.

Now, the reason I felt it incumbent upon myself to come up with this is because I do see a tendency in myself to be overwhelmed by the duty that God has given me. I like obeying the rules. It kind of bugs my wife when I pull up to a red light and stop because it's orange. And I know I can make it, but the rules are the rules. Okay? I like rules. I like following rules. It drives my dad nuts. I drove him to Nashville the other day, and he's stomping on the floor looking for the gas pedal.

When I read the word of God and I see where the scripture gives me mandates, I want to follow them. As a matter of fact, as I put this sermon together, I think this was the hardest sermon I've ever put together, not because the truth was difficult to ferret out, but because I wanted to frame it with care and with intention, and because honestly, I felt like kind of a lousy husband while I was doing it. I'm reading all this stuff and I'm like, man, I could fix that. I could do that better. I could answer this better. I like obeying the rules.

The Duty We have before God

And as I started thinking about duty, I wanted to differentiate the kinds of duty that we have so I can just index it in my own mind. So I have this tendency to be overwhelmed by the duty I have before God. And some of the duty I have, I realize I know I cannot accomplish in my lifetime, like go into all the world. I won't get there. I would like to, but I won't. I know I'm not alone in this problem.  We Christians, and I think especially Americans, don't like feeling inadequate, so we index the whole Bible on the unattainable shelf, and we reason within ourselves that our duty is not really to keep the commandments, it's not really to obey the Bible, it's to kind of make an effort in that direction. What happens if you go out and you preach the word of God? If you just open the word of God and read it with authority, somebody's going to call you legalistic. They're going to say you're legalistic and you're teaching a legalistic doctrine. And you go, "I'm reading the book of John. Where's my legalistic doctrine here? I'm reading the book of Romans." Because the Bible gives us rules, and we feel like that's not really fair, so we're just going to shelve all those rules as, yeah, we can't keep those. We're just going to kind of try, and then ignore them. Friends, it could not be further from the truth. God gave us the word for our benefit, for our good, and it's Satan that's going to tell you, "You can't do it. Give up. Don't try."

Individual Duty

Our individual duty is an obligation that can only be accomplished by you in this lifetime. There are things in your life that will only be accomplished by you, and they can't be accomplished by anyone else. For example, your good works, your relationships, your praise, your laying aside of every sin and weight which dust so easily beset in order to be more effective for Christ. No one else can do your individual duty. It is your unmitigated responsibility before God.

Collective Duty

Now, our collective duty involves not just you but your group. For example, your family or your church or your people group or the nation that you live in. You share a collective duty to change the world around you.

Your success at achieving your collective duty will largely depend on your obedience in your individual duty. If you have a church full of people desiring to reach the world but they can't keep their heads out of their pornography, then they're not going to attain their goals of winning people for Christ.

If you have a church that says, "We want to really praise the Lord, but we don't want to ever come to church," then their collective duty won't be fulfilled because their individual duty isn't. If you have a husband that says, "I want to lead my home in godliness, I just don't want to be godly myself," then he's going to fail because his individual duty hasn't been fulfilled.

Now, some of the office God has appointed leadership for. I mean, some of the offices, God has appointed leadership for the engagement of the group duty. So God has said, "Husbands, your going to be in charge of this group." Or when Paul was appointed to be an apostle, he was appointed as the leader. In others, he set out a framework of qualification and committed the filling of the offices to us.

What is our Corporate Duty?

  • Corporate duty is the duty that the Church has here on earth.
  • To be the Salt.
  • To be the Light.
  • To be the Ambassadors of Jesus Christ.

Now, our corporate duty is that we are to be the salt, to be the light, to be ambassadors, to win the world for Christ. That's our corporate duty, and we need to first fulfill individual and collective to get to corporate.

The Husband’s Role

So the husband's role, so now we know what the wife offers up to God in order to fulfill the role that God has ordained for her. All too often I see husbands who think this means that God ordained him to rule over his wife for his own benefit. Husbands, most of us have done this at some point. "Honey, I'm tired. Go get the fire started because it's cold this morning and I don't want to get out of bed." No, that is not what it means for wives submit to your husband.

Husbands, I want you to see just what you get when she offers up the gift of her submission to you.

  • Authority

Command of a unit in order to better complete your task

  • Responsibility

You have assumed the responsibility fot the wpiritual and physical wellbeing of your unit.

  • Accountability

You will answer to your commander for how you have acquitted yourself in the position of authority he has given you.

You get authority. You get command of a unit in order to better complete your task. The reason that God has placed you in charge, husband, is not because you have some undefinable quality that makes you an amazing leader. The reason that you're in charge is because God has a role for your family, for your church, for you and your wife to accomplish, and he needs a leader that will follow him and lead his family after him. You have been given, by your wife's submission to you, the responsibility for the spiritual and physical wellbeing of your unit, your family, your church, your people around you.

You've been given that responsibility. Congratulations. You have now gained the accountability, before God, to answer to your commander for how you have acquitted yourself and your position of authority. God gave you the authority, and he's watching what you do with it.

The Mission From God

Now, in Genesis 12:1-6, we see two family groups. God says to Abraham, he says, "And the LORD said unto Abraham, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto the land that I will show thee:  So Abraham departed as the Lord had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abraham was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran. And Abraham took Sarai, his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran, and they went forth under the land of Canaan; and unto the land of Canaan they came."  So God sent him out, and he and Lot went.

A Different Value System

Genesis 13:8 "And Abraham said unto Lot, Let there be no strife."  So, this is after they've been going a while, and Lot's workers, Lot's servants started fighting with Abraham's servants, and they had conflict. So Abraham says to Lot, he says, "Look, there's no reason for us to fight." He says, "You pick your side, and go left, I'll go right. You go right, I'll go left." He said, "You pick it." Genesis 13:10 "So Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld the plain of Jordan that it was well watered everywhere before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gamorrah, even as the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar."

Genesis 13:11 "Then Lot chose him, all the plain of Jordan' and Lot Journeyed east: and they separated themselves one from the other. And Abraham dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot in the cities and the plains, and pitched his tent towards Sodom. But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the Lord exceedingly." 

So, Lot looked out at the land and he saw that one parcel was really nice, a lot of grass, a lot of water, a beautiful place to live. And so Lot decided to take his family there. Now, these two guys come from the same socioeconomic background. They have the same education, they have the same culture, they have the same people group, they have the same job, they have the same group of people working for them, servants and so on, but they made a different choice about where to live. Lot decided to move to Sodom and Abraham went the other direction.

Taken With The Sinners

So, Lot's not in Sodom very long, and some people come along and they raid the kingdom, and they take Sodom and the kings of Sodom and Lot and they take them and run off. So Abraham goes to rescue his nephew. And while he is there, he rescues the kings of Sodom and Gamorrah. So the kings of Sodom and Gamorrah, Genesis 14:21-23, they say, "Give us the people that you've rescued. Give us our relatives, but you take all of the goods that they had sacked out of our city. You take them and you keep them."  Abraham says to the king of Sodom and Gamorrah, he says, "I'm lifting my hand up to God, the possessor of heaven and earth, that I will not take a thread or even a shoelatchet from anything that you've got. I don't want a single thing because I don't want you to ever say, I have made Abraham rich."

These are the guys Lot lived with. Abraham was kind of rude. I mean, he just saved him and they were just being nice. They were just being friendly. They weren't being mean or even salacious towards him. They were just being kind of friendly guys. And Abraham is like, "I don't even want your shoelaces, man. I don't want you to ever say I got any gain from you." I mean, Abraham is kind of rude here. Lot was a lot nicer but lot went lived in the city, and God called lot a righteous man. The Bible says that Lot vexed his righteous soul day by day by all the stuff that took place in the city, and Lot was in the gates of the city.

A Different Outcome

So, Jesus and a couple angels come by. Genesis 18:17 "And the Lord said, Shall I hide from Abraham the thing which I do."  So, this is after they've come and they're having a meal with Abraham, and Jesus, I believe it's Jesus, the Lord is talking to these angels. And he says, "I don't want to hide what I'm about to do to Sodom and Gamorrah." So he says, "Here's why." He says, Genesis 18:18-19 "Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him." You see, God says that I have the right. He says, I may. See down there in verse 19, he says, "I may bring upon him." God says, "I have the right to bless Abraham, because I know Abraham, he will command his wife, his children, and his children's children after him, his household, he'll command them to keep the way of the Lord."

Abraham Believed God

And you know what? Abraham did. Abraham commanded his children. In the book of Hebrews 11:8 says,"By faith Abraham, when he was called to go and out into a place which he should after receive for inheritance, obeyed; and he went out not knowing whither he went. By faith he sojourned the land of promise, as in a strange country, dwelling in tabernacles with Isaac and Jacob."  You see, Abraham had his sons with him. He was out there in the plains living and raising his boys, and they were "The heirs with him of the same promise: for he looked for a city, which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God." Abraham's children inherited the earth. They're still over there. They still got their nation. Jesus came from that line. Lot fathered his own grandchildren. The difference was lot chose differently than Abraham way back in time.

What should Lot's wife have done?

Now, what should Lot's wife have done? Not when she turned into salt, husbands. What should she have done when Lot said, "I want to move to that city, I want to sit in that gate?" She should have followed him.

What about when Lot was in there and he offered his two daughters to those wicked men? How did he get to that place? How did he go from the guy that was comfortable with Abraham to that guy? And then Lot's wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt, and Lot lives life without her. You know what? That was Abraham's... I mean, that was Lot's responsibility. What happened to Lot's wife was his responsibility. If lot had not led his home in his family to live in that place with those people, then Lot's children would've grown and loved the Lord, then Lot's wife wouldn't have turned into a pillar of salt.

Husbands, you carry a lot of responsibility.

Lot Vs. Abraham

These two men determined the trajectory of their homes, but it was their wives and children that paid the toll. It's the little choices that we make over and over again that will determine your home.

By Faith Noah

Genesis 6:8 "But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD."  You see, it wasn't Noah's wife that found grace in the eyes of the Lord, and it wasn't Noah's children or his sons. It was Noah that found grace in the eyes of the Lord.

And then God says to Noah, he says, Genesis 6:18 "But with thee,”  Noah, with you, “will I establish my covenant and now shout come unto the ark, thou and thy sons and thy wife and thy son's wives with thee."  You know the reason that Noah's drown in the flood? You know why? Because of Noah's righteousness, Noah's daughter-in-laws were saved out of the flood because Noah believed God. Do you understand the significance of that?

Husbands, if you lead your home in righteousness, the effect will permeate way away from you.

Hebrews 11:7 says, "By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house;"  Noah's fear, Noah's belief, Noah's faith saved his house.

Your Value System

Husband, your office is a serious obligation, and one that you cannot abdicate. Husband, you cannot change your mind and step down and step back from your office. If you fail to take your office seriously, you are not the only one that will suffer the consequences of your unrighteousness. Husband, I said, unrighteousness. If you fail to take your responsibility seriously before God, your unrighteousness will destroy your home. Every time you open your computer or walk down the street, or open your mouth to speak to your wife and your kids, even your grandkids are going to feel the significance of what you value. Is it them that you value, or is it you and your lust? I don't mean just perverted lust, I mean lust for free time, lust for money, food.

Justified, Sanctified, Washed, and Raptured.

Ephesians 5:25-28, it says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies that loveth his wife, loveth himself." 

Husbands, I hope you understand that the entire New Testament is found in those three verses. Can you imagine the bar that Jesus set for us there? Husbands love your wife as Christ also loves the church. Man, I could spend the rest of my life talking about how Jesus has loved the church.

John said, when he wrote the book, he said, "I could not contain the words in all the world if I wrote down all the things that Jesus had said and done." It just the world couldn't contain it. Husbands love your wives as Christ also loved the church. Jesus said to Peter, "If you love me, feed my lands." You see, godly love is not an emotion, but an action it. It's not just an action, but it's an action with the intent of ministering godliness to its recipient.

John 3:16

John 3:16, "For God so loved the world."  Now we all know this verse because God loved the world. He gave. You see what he did? It was an action. It doesn't say for God so love the world that he felt sorry or that he felt tender towards us. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his son into the world."  You see what God did? He sent his son. God acted, and that action was love. They're inseparable.

Romans chapter 5

Romans 5:5-6, it says, "Hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength in due time, Christ died for the ungodly."  This is the way that God's love is given to us, that when we were yet without strength, Christ died for the ungodly.

Romans 5:7-8 "For scarcely, for a righteous man will one die: yet per venture for a good man, some would even dare to die. But God commended his love towards us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." 

What is Love?

You see, God in his love didn't stay in heaven. God took his love and he commended it towards us in the man, Christ Jesus. God gave himself for us. It was an action.

Husbands, if your wife can't see your love, if she can't point to it and say, there it is, then you're not giving it to her. Do you understand that? It's not something that you say once. It's not a word. It's not say and I love you. It's an act. It's something you do.

Romans 5:9-10 "Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. For if when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life."  You see, God commended his love towards us when we were enemies with God.

Husbands, when your wife seems like your enemy, now it's time to fulfill Ephesians chapter five. When she fights you on everything that you do, when she is against you, just because you say it, if she's getting ready to go to the store and you say, "Sweetheart, can I take you to the store?" And she throws her bag at you and says, "I don't want to go to the store," that's when you love your wife. That's when you act in love towards your wife. That's when you minister to your wife with your words. When we were enemies with God, that's when he died for us.

Romans 5:11, "And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement."  Friends, he didn't just die, he gave us joy. Husbands, that's our jobs.

So ought men to love their wives

  • The love of God for us is evident to us because of his actions, not only that he acts, but why he acts.
  • There is no shortcut to being Christ-like. It's something you pursue from the time when you wake up in the morning until you wake up the next morning.

Even while you're sleeping, you're pursuing the love of God and you're extending it to your wife.

  • Husbands, we are called to lead our wives in love because of love, not because we have to.

Our intent is so important. Husbands, our intent is so important, and the scripture gives us this onus to be the peacemaker.

This is why the Bible says “Husbands love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” because you're going to have that tendency, because you're the one that's going to take all the abuse. See, you can hold your door, the door open for your wife in an act of love with a look of anger and disgust on your face. You can get in front of her and you can open the door and you can look at her, "Go in."

And your act of love, opening the door for your wife, becomes an insulting rage that you're flinging at your wife. Husbands, your wives know what you mean, and you know that they know what you mean. That's why you do it. That's why we do it. That's why we say, "I've got to love this woman even though she's unlovable, so I'm going to hold the door open for this cantankerous nag that doesn't deserve it. Get in." And as she looks at you, she knows what you're doing. The resulting catastrophe in your marriage is your fault. You carry the responsibility, not her.

Responsible for Peace

The onus for peace, the responsibility for peace in your marriage is completely on us, husbands. As far as it concerns you, none of the responsibility for peace is on her. Husbands, you carry the entire load. If you don't believe me, read the New Testament. Read what Jesus did for you and how he did it. How did you pursue Jesus to make him love you? What did you do for Jesus that made him want to minister to you? It doesn't seem fair, does it?

But God isn't interested in fair. If he was interested in fair, we would all burn in hell. Aren't you glad God's not interested in being fair? Husbands, Jesus has called you to follow him. And what he has done is that while we were yet sinners, enemies with God, he gave everything He had to reconcile himself to us.

Sanctified and Cleansed

But he didn't stop there. Then he sanctified us and cleansed us. God is good. Do you know why we needed to be sanctified and cleansed? Because we are dirty, sinful, hateful things that no one could love, except that he does love us. He loves us so much. He doesn't want us to stay in our filth, so he washes us with his word.

Husbands, this is what you do with your wife. When she is so nasty and so dirty and so angry and so mean and so hateful to you, that's when you love your wife the way Christ loved the church.

Once we're clean, Jesus presents us to himself. And he says to us, "You are a glorious bride. You don't have a spot or a wrinkle or any such thing." He says to you, "my dearly beloved, you are holy and without blemish." Now, do you recognize your part in what Christ has done? Your part is to be washed, to be loved, and then to be presented to the one that loves you. Husbands, this is the bar that was set for you. This is the bar that God's given and said, "Do like I've done. Follow me in this."

Now, a couple of weeks ago when I preached to the wives, it seemed hard. When I got done, it seemed like it was hard to tell wives submit to your husbands, and it doesn't matter how your husbands act. Seemed hard. But I said it's worse for the husbands.

Do you see why? Do you see that, husband, if you care what God says about you, if you care what God tells you to do, if you want to be Christ-like and to follow Jesus, the example that you have is unreachable. It's unattainable. You'll never get there, but you've got to try forever.

Husbands, so ought men to love their wives.

Husbands, so ought men to love their wives. That's what it says in the book of Ephesians. Man, that's a high bar.

What if She Rejects Me?

But you say, "Preacher, I've loved my wife so well, and she has rejected me over and over." And even Jesus needs a willing subject. I had a fellow tell me this nearly line by line. He's like, "I've loved my wife so well. I've done such a good job loving her. I don't know why she keeps rejecting me." Husbands, you have called her. We called it engagement.

The Bible says that God called the church. Jesus called us, we're called. You called her when you got engaged. You've chosen or elected her. We called that marriage. It is not her fault that you're unhappy with your choice. Husbands, it was your choice. You chose to marry her. You chose to take on the responsibility of that woman, and it is your responsibility. You are the primary. In God's eyes, you are the primary in this contract, and you bear the responsibility for your collective duty before God. Husbands, you are the one that is to wash your wife in your words and sanctify her. It's your responsibility.

It is you that carries the obligation to sue for peace until you have it or until you die. You don't stop. You keep suing for peace. That's a heavy responsibility.

No Guile Found in his Mouth

1 Peter 2:19-22  says, "For this is thinkworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? But if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God."  Man, I have a hard time with this. When I'm right and I know it, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm right, but when I know that I'm right and she's wrong, and I feel buffeted for being right, I have a hard time taking it with patience. Jesus tells me to. Now that's only happened once in 18 years, and I learned later it was my fault. I say that because she's sitting right there. I love you, baby. "For even hereunto where ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example that ye should follow his steps: Who did know sin, neither was guile found in his mouth."  This hits me between the eyes. When Jesus took this beating for us, he didn't answer, and there was no guile found in his mouth.

My friends, I'm kind of glib. I talk a lot. And as I was studying this and reading this, I felt convicted. Man, I'll be honest. I'm running through the things in my life, the times that I've talked to my wife, and there's big guile in my mouth. I'm running through the times that I acted in love towards her with rage in my heart because I was unhappy for something that really wasn't her fault, just because I was unhappy.

Only for a Leader

Husband, the doctrine of marriage is heavy. It is arduous. It's the kind of load that you would only put on a leader. You wouldn't put this on the troops. It's the kind of load that makes you grow up. It makes you make choices differently than you would've made because you know that your little ones are depending on those choices that you make. It makes you realize that when you sit down and you're alone, that you're not alone, that you carry in your soul the weight of responsibility for your wife and for your children.

He not reviled not again

1 Peter 2:23  It says, "Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself unto him that judgeth righteously."  Husbands, we are called to be reviled and not revile again. Husbands, you're called to teach your wife, to instruct her, to take her home after church and to explain what was being done there. Do you know that you get very little teaching done when you're angry or when she's angry? When you're being reviled, you're not to revile again. That's the time to keep your mouth shut and you teach later. You teach in love. You teach because you love her. Then it's received.

The Shepherd and Bishop

1 Peter 2:24 "Who his own self bear our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live under righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. For ye were as sheep gone astray; but now returned to the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls." Husbands, you are in a place of authority in your home, and that authority means that you are the shepherd and the bishop. You're the leader. You're the one that teaches, that instructs. You're the one that takes the brunt of responsibility. You're the one that takes the brunt of accountability, the heavy load. I don't much like it. I wish I could give it to my wife. I can't.

Giving Honor unto the Wife

1 Peter 3:7 "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel."  You see husbands, you're to see your wife as a vessel that cannot handle this load. She cannot handle the responsibility that God's given you. She's not made for it. She's weaker than you are. She's not capable of it. And if you give it to her, it will crush her soul. Not in a year. I mean, not in 10 years. God did not design her for that. He didn't give her that. He gave it to you. Man up. "And as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered."

Jesus Prays for his Church

John chapter 17 is a companion passage to Ephesians chapter five. Jesus is praying for the church. It's the last time that he spends any time with the disciples. He's at the garden, and he prays almost all the stuff that's in Ephesians five, is right there in John chapter 17.

John 17:8 This is Jesus talking to God. He says, "For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them."  Husbands, it is your responsibility to minister the words of life with love to your wife and kids. You must wash her in your words that you receive from God. See, this is what we miss, boys. This is what we miss, husbands, that the words in which we wash our wives are not our own words. Jesus said that I have given them the words that you gave me.

Soaked in the Word of God

When you wash your wife with your words, your words come from a place that has been sanctified and redeemed, a place that is soaked in the word of God, that's been soaked in prayer, that's been carefully cleansed, that hasn't been filled with Hollywood, that hasn't been filled with pornography. It hasn't been filled with the cares of this world until there's no room for Bible.

Fill your soul with the word of God,  and  turn around wash your wife with those words.

Husband, you fill your soul with the word of God, and you turn around and you wash your wife with those words. Listen, it's your responsibility. It's not just something you can choose. It's your responsibility to do this. How can you do this if your heart and mind are filled with the things of the world and not the things of God?

Joy Fulfilled

John 17:13, he says, "And now I come to thee;"  this is Jesus talking to God "And these things I speak in the world that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves."

 Jesus says, "I speak these things in the world that my friends, that my disciples, that my church will be filled with my joy in this world."

The joy that should fill your home, husband, comes from God. It germinates in your soul, and it springs up in your wife and in your kids. Husbands, fill your home with joy by filling your life with the word of God. Without your godly unceasing input, your family is without the leadership God has ordained to breathe God into your home.

Husbands, it's your place. It's your responsibility. It's your office to fulfill. There is no substitute for your office. If you are full of corruption, then your home will rot from within.

Wash your wife with the words of life

John 17:14 says, "I have given them thy word; and the world have hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world."  The word you need to wash your wife in is God's word.

The example we are given is that the God of hope fills us with all joy and peace and believing, and we, in turn, wash our wives with the words of life. The path that you are called to lead your family down is not of this world. That is why your obligation is to walk in the light as he is in the light and to model Christ for your family.

It Starts in the Home

You know why when you get over to the new to the epistles, and Timothy and Titus are laying down the qualifications for the church, he says, "If you're not a husband of one wife and your home's not in order, you're not to lead the church." You know why? Because is where you start shepherding them. Husbands, this is where your shepherding begins. You do it at home, and you take that and you bring it to the body. If you don't do it at home, you won't do it at the body.

Follow the Leader

The path that you're called to lead your family down is not of this world, guys. Husbands, I cannot stress this enough. You are the leader. You are it. The buck stops with you. Whether you lead or don't, it will not change. You're still the leader.

The lousy bailiff and the lousy judge

Friends, the judge that was ushering people in and out of the courtroom was not the bailiff. He was still the judge. That was still his office. He failed his office, and the bailiff failed his office. They both failed in the court, and the court was defunct because they didn't fulfill their given offices. If that judge sat in that room and played that Xbox, and that bailiff went out and said, "I'm sorry the court isn't open today, his honor is indisposed at this time," and sent everybody home, he would've been a good bailiff with a lousy judge. But instead, the bailiff changed positions and became the judge and we have a lousy bailiff and a lousy judge.

Wife, you can't take that job. You can't take the office. You can't take the responsibility. And husbands, you can't lay it down.

Husband, the consequence for not leading will not primarily be paid by you, but by those left without their God appointed leader. If you're not leading and your wife is leading, they don't have a leader because you're not leading. You understand the doctrine of the office of husbands. If you don't believe me, ask Lot's kids.

We are not of this world

John 17:15 says, "I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou should us keep them from evil. They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world."  Husbands, to take your family and to move into the middle of nowhere, to build a big fence, to keep them protected from the world is a cop out. Jesus said, "I'm not asking you to take them out of the world because they're not of this world."

Parable of the talents

You know the parable where the guy is given some talents. And he takes his money and he buries it, and the master comes back. And the master says, "What'd you do?" And he says, "I know you're a hard master, so I buried them so I wouldn't lose them." The master says, "You're right. I'm a hard master. Give them to me," and he gives them to somebody else.

Don’t hide your Family

Husbands, hiding your family is not leading your family. Your family is to make a difference in the world and in the church. Your family is to make a difference in the community. Your family is an active part of the army of God, and sitting out as a dereliction of duty. Protect your family, guard your family, pray for your family, but don't hide them.

Sanctify yourselves

John 17:19 Jesus said, "For their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth."

I think the hardest thing for this whole doctrine is when you realize that you're just not up to the task. The responsibility that you've taken on with the title of husband is daunting. It's demanding, and it's downright frightening. We can't do it. It's why I find such hope in the last verses here, that the only perfect man that ever lived has said, "For their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. And the glory which thou gavest me I've given them; that they may be one even as we are one."  John 17:19-22 Jesus says to God, "Lord, I sanctified myself. I prepared myself for this task. I set myself aside so that we could set them aside, so that we could change them and do a work in them that is above and beyond anything they could do on their own."

Made Perfect

John 17:23 He said, "I in them, and thou in me; that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou has sent me and has loved them as thou has loved me." God is not done with you. He's not finished. And if God tells you to walk on the water, don't tell him I can't do it. Instead, say, "I'm going to go do something now I couldn't do before," because God told you to do it. If God tells you to do it, God will give you the ability to accomplish what he's told you to do. God will never give you responsibility without ability.

God will never give you responsibility without ability.

When God told Moses to go out and lead the people out of Egypt, lead Israel out of Egypt, Moses said, "I can't talk that well. I can't do that. I can't get those people out of there." Moses was absolutely right. Moses was a hundred percent right. As a matter of fact, when he did it, all he did was murder somebody and run sheep for 40 years. I mean, Moses was an absolute total utter failure at leading the people out of Egypt. He stunk at it. He couldn't even talk well. He's a terrible politician. But God wanted Moses to lead the people out of the land of Egypt. And when God got behind him, it worked really well.

Husbands, Jesus says, "I've sanctified myself that I can sanctify them and make them perfect in us, not without any fault, but finished, completed."

Jesus is praying for you

Friend, Jesus is praying for you. Do you realize that? He's praying for you, and God always answers his prayers.


Now, I know this is a hard teaching. I know this is heavy. And I'm not teaching application. You understand? I'm teaching doctrine. This is what the Bible teaches about how husbands should act in their wives, and I'm talking about responsibility. Now, there are a lot of things to be said about how to maintain a healthy relationship with your wife about how to enjoy your time together. There are a lot of mitigating circumstances. Women that hate God, that despise anything godly and that walk off and leave their husbands and despise their husbands and their children and embrace something else, and you can't win them all. You can't stop trying either. You can't give up. You can't quit. It's your responsibility.

Now, I've been blessed. I'll be real honest. I've got a wonderful wife. I think I'm coming up on 18 years, and it's been just blissful. I just loved every minute of it. So as I teach this, I don't want to sound like I don't have grace. I realize that a lot of this is best case scenario. Husbands, I'm teaching that all the responsibility is you.

Wives, if you watched this, go back and watch the one from two weeks ago on. Wives, I taught all the responsibility was the wives. You see, God is not into giving us excuses. God gives us commandments and responsibilities. God says, "Go out and don't be offensive. Love your neighbor. Do good to them. Treat them the way you want to be treated. And then when they come and they irritate you, forgive them 490 times a day." One of my kids asked me, "What did that mean?" the other day. I poked him in the shoulder. He says, "Ow." I said, "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" "Yes." I poked him again. "Ow, what'd you do that for?" "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" "Yes." I said, "We've got 488 more times." Poked him again. That's what it means. 490 times, one day, one offense.

You see, God's not into giving us excuses. On your side, don't offer offense. On the other side, forgive anything that's done against you. That's what this is. Husbands, you're fully responsible for your home. Wives, you're fully responsible for your homes. Collectively, you're completely responsible for the church, for the body. We mess up. We screw up. We need help. We need prayer. Have grace with each other, what my wife does with me. Okay, I'm Nathan Pearl. You're at The Door. We'll see you next week.

Bible teaching with Michael Pearl.
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